Wow! I feel like my life is on speed dial! Where have the last 3 months gone? Well...I have survived getting back into the swing of things-balancing home and teaching, illness, report cards, Christmas, marking, illness, school changes, life in general. Did I mention illness (it has really hit our home this year with one cold and flu after another)? Unfortunately, I have had little time to write; though many things have been on my heart lately.
Today, I wanted to write about a sensitive topic-one that most people don't often talk about. At least, I didn't want to discuss it when I was going through it. It is scary, heart wrenching, and unfair! What is it, you ask? Now I have your attention....I want to share some thoughts on infertility-a word that carries such fear and uncertainty for both women and men.
Many people probably don't know about my infertility journey. It is not something you bring up in casual conversation or share with just anyone. But, God has brought me through this valley and now that I am on the other side, I thought my story may encourage some of you who may be having your own infertility issues or other problems completely unrelated to fertility. Whatever you are going through, it is my desire that you will find hope from my story to tackle what you are dealing with.
The journey to have a child was not an easy road for us. We were married young and decided to wait a few years before starting a family. Then, we had difficulty getting pregnant and when we finally saw a specialist, we were told that it would be challenging for us to conceive, as I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome-of which the only real symptom I had from the list was infertility). I know now what a blessing that was!
Upon getting the diagnosis, we were devastated and I say "we" because I think often men are just as shocked and upset, but do not always get the support they need. I felt angry that God would allow this to happen to us. I felt empty, alone, and helpless. My husband was so supportive and loving, but I still felt like a failure. Was I being punished? Why was this happening to me? I felt so guilty that I couldn't get pregnant. My dream had always been to have a big family with lots of kids, but now, my dreams were shattered and I was left feeling numb. Infertility was not part of my plan!
Until someone has walked through this journey, they don't truly comprehend the pain of infertility. Well-meaning friends and family don't know how to respond and often say "insensitive" things. Every new precious baby that is born is a constant reminder to you of what you lack. You see babies everywhere and your heart longs for a baby of your own. But dear friends, God sees those tears and I believe he bottles them up. Though I couldn't see past my pain and frustration, God had a plan. I just needed to learn to trust Him in a deeper way. I have never had a miscarriage, but I know of many friends lately who have and it is a deep loss that cuts deep.
Through this trial, God was faithful and walked this journey with us. We began seeking fertility advise and began some medication with the full knowledge that it often doesn't work. The waiting game is a hard place to be where fertility is concerned. The appointments, uncertainty, stress, and basically the unknown is overwhelming, especially when you approach it without God. At first, I wanted to blame God for allowing this to happen, but I certainly didn't want to pray to Him. Why would He cause this to happen? I was a good person after all!
We met with doctors, had numerous appointments, gave vile after vile of blood, and shed many tears. Desperate for some encouragement, I began reading the Bible all the time and I started meditating on the words. I strongly believe it was the words of life I was reading in that old Bible that began to change me, not my circumstances! I was still childless. But, I felt hopeful, not angry. My heart was learning to trust God and have peace, even when I wasn't seeing any results. My view of God began to change, as I stopped blaming Him and started leaning on Him for strength. Being content and at peace despite the situation you are in is really what God desires for us.
Many people, especially my family, were faithfully praying for me during this time and I am so grateful for that. I began to pray too...not just for a baby, but that God would guide and direct us. I knew God placed a desire in my heart for a baby, but maybe there was a baby out there that needed to be loved. Maybe God had a different plan for our family that He was working out. My prayers changed, and I started asking God to prepare me for whatever He had planned and I started to seek His will/plan for my life, rather than my own.
I continued taking the meds and following the doctor's advise. I was busy teaching, going to doctor's appointments, and praying for God's will. It all became part of my routine. It's funny that you kinda forget what you are trying to achieve in the busyness of life. I was shocked to receive a phone message from the doctor one day in December that said "I was pregnant." Really! I was overjoyed and filled with thanksgiving. I listened to that message at least 10 times. If a person's heart could burst, mine would have. It was a feeling I will never forget! I hung up the phone and wept, tears of joy and elation! This was not the way I had planned to get pregnant, but God had blessed me with a baby, growing inside of me. When you experience infertility, getting pregnant is like God hand picking a baby for you. At least, that is how I always viewed it. I felt so loved and special to God that He would entrust me with a little miracle. Finding out I was pregnant was the best Christmas gift ever!
“Every good and perfect gift comes from above.” James 1:17
The birth of Jax has been a tremendous blessing, one greater than we could ever have imagined. Jax has brought incredible joy to our home! His little life is a constant reminder to us of God’s faithfulness, favour, and grace. We called our little bundle of joy Jax Jeffrey Richard. This unique name-Jax means “God is gracious and has shown His favour.” What a perfect name, considering the circumstances around his conception! Our second little angel was born in October, and we found out we were pregnant with her on Valentine's day. Jaidalyn Joy is kind- of a made up name, but it means "precious jewel of God" and "refreshing spirt" when you put Jaida and Lyn together. She has definitely filled our home with a joyous energy that refreshes us everyday!
I couldn't imagine my life without these two precious little gifts! When I look into their faces every day, I am reminded that God is real. To those who do not believe in God, I don't have to argue scientific facts with you e.g. Darwinism (which is actually being challenged by the greatest scientific minds right now). I simply present my little miracles to you. They exist because He exists.
God has taught us many things through this season of our lives. We have learned to trust Him in new and deeper ways. We have faced many challenges over the years including my car accident and kidney stones while pregnant, gestational diabetes, and Jeff’s knee surgery and car accident. God didn't cause these problems, but He used them to change us. Our faith has grown, as God has been faithful in every situation.
We now believe strongly in the power of prayer, and we know that God is a miracle working God who cares for us. No matter what the problem or how desperate or discouraging the circumstances appear, we have learned that God is powerful and capable of intervening in our lives in amazing ways we can’t even imagine.
Throughout this season, God’s word became so precious to us. It has been our source of strength and hope through both the difficult and joyous times. Finally, we have learned that God has all things in control. He has wonderful plans for us, and He is so gracious to bless us with the desires of our hearts in His perfect timing.
We have wonderful family and friends who have supported us throughout this journey. We appreciate the prayers and words of encouragement we have received.
